On Service

Before I get going I should make it clear that as a student I worked for a few days in a job that required me to serve people. During that brief stint, the foul nature of some of the customers was enough to ensure that I would never unthinkingly say an unkind word to a waiter or waitress. I try to be kind. I give the benefit of the doubt. I have even been known to smile. But this desire for harmony is being strained, and here’s why.

We’re crawling out of recession, times are hard. Quite understandably, restaurants, cafes and shops are trying to make the most of every customer. But there’s a disconcerting development afoot: waiters and waitresses, it seems, are being urged by their managers to push customers into spending more. If I have to endure many more exchanges like this, I cannot vow to keep my composure in check:

ME: A bowl of muesli, a black coffee and an almond croissant, please.

WAITRESS: Great. And would you like some fresh orange juice?

ME: Just these two, please [he places a packet of pasta and a jar of ragu sauce on the counter].

SERVER: And would you like some Parmesan today?

ME: I would like the spaghetti alle vongole, please?

WAITER: No starter for you today?

ME: Please could we have two glasses of tap water and the wine list?

WAITER: Of course. And maybe a glass of champagne to start?

On each of these occasions I have forced a ‘no thank you’ through gritted teeth. If I want something, I will ask for it.

Perhaps because it’s new to me, this aggressive selling is so much more infuriating than being constantly pestered (‘is everything ok with your meal’? To which answer should be ‘It was, and we’re having lunch’). It's more annoying, even, than the constant refilling of wine glasses. The waiter deliberately pouring all that remains of the bottle into one glass before asking if you’d like another. Worse than a maitre d’ who ums and ahs as he surveys the legions of empty tables, pretending it’ll be an effort to fit you in. Somehow they always find room.